This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test.
If this were a real emergency you would be notified of what to do — unless ties were cut to power, water, fuel, the airwaves, or any combination of the above. Actions following this test would most likely include screaming, searching for airline flights on the electronic device of your choice, heavy soul-searching, and light cannibalism. In the case of fire or mass extinction, marshmallows may be provided.
Toast, eggs, coffee and condoms will not be provided. Please stop asking.
This is only a test.